Finding Common Ground

Last year I saw Jann Arden in concert. Between singing the classic tune that brought her to fame in the mid 90’s, Insensitive, along with a few other beautiful ballads, she paced the stage and indulged the crowd with snippets from her life: songwriting, collaborating in the music business, and the unexpected story about her neighbor which found its way into my memory while her other musings quickly dissolved. He was described as a right-wing gentleman with a passion for hunting. Jann, a self-proclaimed vegan animal lover with a progressive stance on politics, got the crowd laughing when she explained how differently these two saw the world and even mentioned the time she asked her neighbor if there would be vegan hot dogs at the conservative cookout she was invited to attend. Despite their apparent differences in hobbies, food lifestyles, and political affiliations, she went on to describe a man who always had her back in the rural area of northern Canada where they live. Going out of his way to perform acts of kindness on purpose, he left her freshly cut firewood and once told her that if she ever encountered any trouble to let him know. Jann told the audience that she could tell he meant it. She said that she, too, offered her neighbor what she could in an act of friendliness and open sharing. She then reminded us that we need to find common ground, and when we do, we need to live within that space. 

Jann never told us what she and her neighbor found in common. Maybe that was on purpose because what that might be (an interest in archeology? A fondness for old science fiction novels?) is not what’s important to the story. What is important to recognize is that once they discovered common ground, whether it was only one mutual area of interest or a surprising list of things, they decided not to focus on the obvious differences right in front of them but instead to keep in mind what it was that they enjoyed having in common. With a little intention and an open mind and heart, each of us can find our way toward a greater connection with those who, at first blush, appear to make better strangers than acquaintances.

Jann and her neighbor, like so many others in this country, could have taken a cursory look at their obvious differences and decided to bail on the opportunity for connection. As unfortunate as this may have been, it would not be uncommon. The truth is that our brain – though having good intentions and a strong capability to seek out vigilant threats – often gets it wrong. When we fail to live from a state of consciousness, we miss the opportunity to pause, to question our reptilian brain reflexes, and to examine our interactions from a more expansive and loving perspective. This lack of awareness keeps us siloed and unwilling to challenge the status quo. We retreat to our corners and lose the chance to discover our common ground. 

Awareness and good intentions aside, some might still reason that it is simply easier this way; keeping to our own sides of the street and forgoing a chance at unity and fellowship because it just doesn’t feel like it’s worth the effort. The price, however, for avoiding connecting to our fellow brother or sister is paid down the line, and the effects can be lasting. Over time, divides that once were open to discourse become impenetrable walls with hardened hearts unable to thrive and simply existing on either side. When we stop trying or never start, we begin to lose that vital piece of we that is both our birthright and our greatest source of joy. With our brains stuck in this horizontal timeline we forget, time and time again, of the richness of humanity’s oneness; of our beloved and everlasting connection to each other and the Divine that expands beyond time and space. 

Sometimes, no matter how much we seek the opportunity – either because shared interests did not surface, or the other person isn’t willing – we are unable to find common ground. The good news is that it doesn’t need to end here. You can simply take a moment to remember that we, at our most basic, each share similar core values: the ability to protect and care for our loved ones, to live peacefully and amicably, to give and thus be given respect, and the freedom to live on one’s own terms. These values are central to us as human beings, and once we can recognize and appreciate these, we no longer worry about the less important things, like deeply entrenched opinions or who we voted for in the last election. Remembering these shared values is like a superpower – giving us the strength and added push that we need just when we feel like folding our cards and feigning indifference. 

Even the best efforts exercised on the individual level can fall prey to the bigger systems at play. Many will argue that the unique challenge presented to us today requires us to become more cautious and discerning than ever before. Our political parties, for example, especially those here in the U.S., emphasize division based on differences that are exaggerated and wildly promoted on social media. Rather than seek out common themes and areas of likeness or agreement, they want to drive home discord and division because this kind of combative energy keeps us coming back for more, and this allows more opportunities to advertise to our unassuming eyeballs. It’s happening all the time, and yet most of us fail to see it. Instead, we allow ourselves to become beholden to these sources of information that dial up the differences while advertising the newest must-have kitchen appliance and weight loss prescription. How do we stand up against this intelligent machine that drives conflict and chaos? How do we seek out that which unites us and ignore those efforts propagating division? 

We do it by remembering what it’s like to get behind the wheel and experience the freedom and autonomy of driving. Stationed in the driver’s seat of our own vehicles, we have control of the music, the temperature, the seat, and most importantly, the destination – deciding where it is we want to take our sincere and loving attention. 

On the road of life, we can DRIVE with an open heart, seeking to find common ground: 

Don’t assume that what you read, hear from others, or see online is accurate, uninflated, or rooted in fact – no matter how tempting this confirming story may be to your ego. 

Remember key shared values that each of us have to a greater or lesser degree, regardless of any surface values we do not have in common. 

Investigate your own biases with an open heart and work to encourage curiosity, not condemnation.
Value all human life. Remember that we are all expressions of one (and only one) beautiful and loving source. 

Encourage others to openly explore their own biases and seek common ground, especially when the urge to give up is strong and the situation feels hopeless. 

Regardless of how this existing divisive energy may look and feel, remember that we all possess a surprising amount of power over our own lives. Every day, we have a say in what we choose to think and how we engage with others, sowing seeds of unity and belonging in our having discovered common ground or furthering the division that only sours the heart. I assure you that the road less traveled – challenging the status quo and your own biases and internal threats – ultimately leads to a life that defies all standard definitions. Here, along this road, where you can discover what binds you to another human in this beautiful place of oneness, everything that once appeared dull or even threatening to your sense of self is now imbued with a radiant light that has no dimmer switch and your heart – your beautiful and now thankful heart – inevitably grows to keep up with the changes.